I think I hit the Holiday Glums a little early this year.

Modern Paganism has gone through many, many stages since Gerald Gardener started advocating it as a valid religion in 1951. (Yes, I know he said that he began to be interested in the Craft in the 1930's, but his first book on the subject wasn't published until 1951, and that's what I was referencing.) He maintained that it was a secret religion that had somehow survived in the New Forest of England through all the long centuries. Today, a large section of Modern Pagans will admit that Wiccan/Paganism is, in fact, a re-construction at best; not a survivor of Christian persecution. We have, over the years, researched what we could, taken myth and folklore--claimed what we liked and rejected what we didn't, incorporated many ideas from Eastern philosophies, and in truth, invented ourselves and our sacred traditions. Nothing wrong with that, religions do that all the time. But since from the get-go, we have claimed an historical basis for our existence, there is still resistance in acknowledging that we sort of "made it up". Even today, you will find Pagans and Wiccans who will swear up and down that our Faith has been around for thousands of years. But, my friends, it simply isn't so.

.....or civil behavior, whichever's easier!  Someone felt that they had been a bit provocative on the Calon List, so he sent out what seemed a sincere apology.  I, as well as several others, issued acceptance.  Isn't that what you're supposed to do in this scenario?

Now, I'm getting snarky emails from people telling me that I shouldn't have done that, that this someone is not worth it, I'm only encouraging him....yadda, yadda. 

Are we all suffering from pre-holiday crankies or is it just a Twitchy Tuesday?

What say we all lighten up a bit?

....but since there is once again wankage on the Calon List, I can only assume it's been that long.  *sigh*

The subject was the House's passage of its version of Health Care reform, but it's not really important what the topic was, was it?  What I find awfully pathetic and a bit funny is the bi-annual appearance of bad behavior on the List. (I find myself wondering if the Spring/Autumn time change is a factor...) Which is a shame, really.  I still think the Calonlist is a useful tool in the Kingdom.  I think we need to adjust its parameters to keep it that way, though.

Ten, even fifteen years ago, the Calonlist was the place to go for info, post questions and just generally get to know people you wouldn't ordinarily have access to.  And while I'll grant that Facebook or even My Space does a better job at the latter, I still believe that the List is still the best place for the first two.  The question is, is it worth the concerted effort it would take to keep the List going, or should we, because the regular wankage displayed by a few, let the poor old thing die? 

I don't want it to die.  And I will continue to urge people to keep the acrimony down to a trickle.   I happily offer my email address, or even my ears in the List's place--if you must rant about something, if you have real concerns about any situation, be it real world or SCA, rather than causing yet more bad feelings, tell it to me.  I'm home most of the time, I'm on my computer a lot during the day, and even if I don't agree with you, I will listen to you.  If you want an ear to pour your feelings into, email me and I'll send you my phone number.  I'm completely serious here.  Anything to keep the List a place of dissemination, not arguments.

You can even talk about.........fencing.

Okay, I think I've given the Constant Reader enough prep to continue my saga. 

( Shall we?...... )

Good grief, it's Guy Fawkes Day, and I don't have an effigy or a lighter!!  I'm so unprepared these days.....

Oh, and before I get a-rantin', Many Happies to grnvixen and a belated Happyhappy to galactusprime :  How awesome that you two kids are now legal to vote!!!  *snerk*

Now where was I?  I thought I'd talk about funerals a bit (no offense, you two above.)  Not usually a humorous topic, I'll agree--at least, they're not supposed to be. 

I don't like funerals and I don't know anyone who does.  (The Irish had the right idea:  Party first, then lament.  I hope that when I leave this mortal coil, my family and friends rent out the new Intrust Stadium we've just built here in Wichita to throw the biggest party this town has ever seen (why not?  We don't have any sort of team to stuff in it!).  I mean it!  I want everyone to tell stories about me, drink to my memory, laugh a lot, cry only from said laughing, and just generally have a good time.  No lamenting, please.)  Now, since I don't like funerals, I have a hard time with them.  If the person who's parting we're lamenting passed away under the age of uh, let's say 80, I have a tendency to cry my eyes out.  To me, dying before 80 means that a person didn't get their fair share of Life which is truly tragic, and I can't help but react emotionally to it.  Combine said passing away with a tragic accident or mishap, and I'm doubly emotional.  I don't know why I bother to put make up on to go to such an event, 'cause it ain't staying on my face, it end's up all over the tissue I'm gripping in my grubby fist. 

But then again, I come from a family that can really work itself up for a funeral.  Doesn't matter how old the decedent is, someone in my family is going to wail loudly; someone is going to faint;  someone may take it into their head to jump into the hole to join the dearly departed.  One of the few joys about attending one of my family's funerals is that you get quite a show.  Seriously, the funeral parlor could make a few more bucks if they sold popcorn.  What can I say?  It's a Southern family.  Plus, since it's a Southern family, you get the double pleasure of hearing the snarky remarks the women of the family make about each other. 

Case in point:  My grandfather's funeral.  My Aunt L was my father's half sister, a product of my grandfather's first marriage.  She was not fond of my grandfather.  Yet, at the graveside service, Aunt L proceeded to succumb to such grief that--you guessed it--she fainted away into her husband's arms.  He swooped her up in the very best "Gone With the Wind" fashion and hurried away with her.  My cousin, Gertie, observed all this, and muttered "That was a good one!  But then, she's had all week to practice...."  and I had to hide my face in my hands.

Which was the second time that funeral that I'd had to hide my face and try to smother laughter.  See, the second thing about me and funerals is that if the decedent is past the age of 80 and/or their passing isn't unexpected, I can't get too worked up about it.  I may get a little sad, but usually I'm happy that they had their shot at Life and got to leave after much hard work.  I will attend the funeral, I will strive to attain the proper state of sobriety, but don't expect me to faint or provide much of a sideshow......

EXCEPT: I have another, awful trait when it comes to funerals in this category:  At some point, no matter how somber the service, I will get the giggles.  It's inevitable. Sure as the Creator made little green apples, I will lose it.  I can no more stop this than I can break the breathing habit.  I've tried.  The best I can do is camouflage my perversity with the aforementioned tissue.  (Oh, and just so you know, if you're ever in a situation where you have to stuff tissue in your mouth to choke back laughter, it takes about three to get the job done.  Just a word of advice from your Auntie Wela!)

So, back to my grandfather's funeral:  The memorial service itself was held in a little church in Hamilton, Kansas, which is where my grandparents spent a lot of their lives, particularly the last 20 years or so.  I was sitting in the pew next to my cousin Larry, which is a dangerous thing to do these days and which could have been lethal back then, because Larry is one funny SOB and back then, he had zero restraint.  The guy gets up to deliver the requiem (my mom says it was the funeral director; I swear he introduced himself as "Reverend whatever" but that's not really important).  He starts out by thanking us all for attending (this was back in 1982, and I bet there was a hundred people there), then he says that while he didn't know my grandfather personally, he was happy to have an opportunity to speak about him.

Huh-oh, said a little voice in my head.  My ears cranked up a notch.  My grandfather was not an easy person to know.  He was a walking contradiction--the epitome of an Irishman.  He was funny and jovial, yet a surly drunk.  He was great to grandchildren, if a little abusive (ever had a "dutch rub"?), yet beat his wife and children.  He'd give you the shirt of his back, yet he'd drink and gamble away a paycheck, rather than feed his family.  He would cry out in pain in his sleep (his back had been broken), but never make a peep about it when he was awake.  The older he got, the meaner he got.  He loved animals, but he shot a neighbor's dog when it wouldn't stay out of Grandma's veggie garden.  (He was also about 100 lbs. soaking wet and bent over; when the big, beefy neighbor came over to threaten his life about the loss of the dog, my grandfather cocked his head to one side so he could look up and up at him, and said calmly "That's alright.  I've got more shells for my shotgun.")  He was in many ways a very tough, very mean man.

So when Reverend Whosit starts talking about this saintly, elderly gentleman who was the epitome of kindness and neighborliness, my cousin leaned over to me and whispered, "Oh my god, we're at the wrong funeral."

I lost it.  So did he.

The harder we tried to stop giggling, the harder the giggling got.  Have you ever had silent hysterics?  That was what was going on with us.  We didn't dare look at each other.  We shook with laughter--but quietly!  We silently convulsed and our shoulders were shaking, we were laughing so hard. And you know the harder you try to behave, the worse it gets, right?  Finally, in desperation, we both leaned our heads over into our laps and covered our faces with our hands, helpless with whispered giggles.  This, while everyone watching us is saying, "Oh, isn't that sweet?  The grandchildren are overcome with grief."  It was awful.  It was hilarious.

That's me in all my glory.  *sigh*

Oh the third funny thing at the funeral:  It was a gloomy day, it had been a very wet spring that year, and the Janesville cemetery out there by Hamilton was pretty muddy.  My father was escorting my little Great-Aunt Neva, who was all of about 4'6" back to the car, and referencing my Aunt L's great exit from the service, he said to her "Aunt Neva, I could carry you back to the car."  And she looked up sharply at him and said "And I can break your goddamn arm, too!"

Southern ladies.  Gotta love 'em.

This entry is getting way too long, so I will finish it tomorrow.

Consider yourself warned.

In the "You Can't Make This Up" file, I give you this:

www.rightwingwatch.org/content/halloween-satans-holy-day-and-candy-how-demons-steal-you-soul

Wow.

Just a few facts for you folks who are playing along at Home:

1.  Witches, Pagans, Wiccans......call us what you will, do NOT worship Satan.  We don't believe in Satan.  Any evil that exists in the World comes from Humans, because we're the one species who can deliberately, with malice aforethought, perform a deed that is in every way wrong.

2.  We can not hex or curse anything or anyone.  We live by the Rede, which basically states "You can do whatever you want, so long as you don't hurt anyone."  That includes you yourself.  You might call it a variation of the Golden Rule.  We also follow the Three-fold Law:  "Anything you do will come back to you three-fold."  Again, a variation of the Golden Rule, but this time with Karmic implications.  Because, believe me, the shit will follow you through centuries.

3.  "Time-released curses"?  Is this like Excedrin or Contac?  Do they work on colds or flu, too?

4.  "Sacrificing of innocent babies"?  Do I really need to comment on that?

5.  "Revel nights."  What happened to my invitations?

Now, this was written by a so-called evangelist named Kimberly Daniels.  She travels around the country in her "Demon Buster" RV, giving lectures to groups about the dangers of witchcraft and demon-possession (apparently, they go hand-in-hand.  Silly me, I didn't get that memo.)  She has claimed to performed thousands of exorcisms on demon-possessed Americans.  She may or may not come from the Ed and Lorraine Warren School of There's a Demon Under Every Bush and Behind Every Door.  I don't know.  But, really:  Thousands of exorcisms?  When does she sleep?  Maybe she doesn't.  Maybe that's part of the problem.

She also has stated in the past that the colors red, brown and orange, which she calls "harvest colors" are, in fact, dedicated to Satan.  So, all of you out there with a box of Crayolas better call a priest.  Or an exorcist.  (So, if red is a satanic color, does that make McDonald's the Anti-Christ?)

Ms. Daniels often gives her lectures while wearing a pair of jeans and a camo t-shirt that has "Demon Buster" bedazzled on the front of it.  Nothing says "Professional Exorcist" and "I'm Talking Serious Stuff Here" more than a wardrobe like that, right?  I do not give any credence to the rumor that she primarily performs these exorcisms at Wal-Mart; I'm just gonna say that a wardrobe like that would probably help her "blend".

Yeah.  She's out there.  Even the Christian Broadcast Network found her so out there that after MSNBC Countdown with Keith Obermann made fun of her essay last Friday night, the CBN removed her essay from its website.  I certainly don't think her beliefs are Mainstream Christian in any way.  At the risk of sounding cliche, some of my best friends are Christian.  And a better bunch of people do not exist.  Period. 
So don't worry:  Much as I don't like to be grouped together with those few who see fairies everywhere and ask their advice on everyday activities*, I certainly won't group Ms. Daniels's beliefs about witchcraft with anyone else's.

Yes, I know it's wrong to make fun of the delusional.  Sometimes, it's just too hard to resist.


*We're talking Tinkerbelle-style fairies here, not the High Fine Folk.  I've met people who claim to see the little buggers everywhere you can think of, sort of like a supernatural cockroach invasion.  Or bedbugs. Or flies.  AND they were serious.

The Wonder Hubby's darling of a Grandmother, Mabel, passed away last night at 7:40 pm.  She was 95, but the last ten years of that had been clouded by the horror that is Alzheimer's.  As I mentioned earlier, this was not an unexpected passing; and personally, I'm happy for her.  I can't shake the fear that Alzheimer's patients are still in there--trapped and unable to find their way back out to the World.  That she is no longer a prisoner is a source of great happiness for me, even though I will dearly miss her loving presence in our lives.  She was something!

Unfortunately, Lachlan's step-nephew, Kody, was killed in a motorcycle wreck last weekend.  As he was only 26, you can bet that this loss is a far more hurtful circumstance for my man.  When he was younger, Kody's face would light up like a video game when his uncle walked into the room, and Lachlan loved him dearly.  My Love is having a very hard week, and I think if my family and our friends weren't rallying around him like they are, he would be a lost soul right now.  So I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart -- It's truly a wonderful thing when you find out that the people you love love your husband as much as you do.  I am so grateful for what we have!
 
So now, we have to go down to Carnegie, Oklahoma Friday night and attend the funeral on Samhain, which was Lachlan's mom's idea.  I wish I could say there's something likable about the woman, but truth to tell, there isn't much.  She's a rock-solid, dyed-in-the-wool Southern Baptist bigot of the first water, and things are simply done her way....end of story.  She caught polio as a child, and was, to put it in Grandma's words, "spoiled and overcooked" because of it.  I've never met a more unyielding woman in my life.  Plus, since she was born on Christmas Day, she seems to think that gives her the right to speak for God.  And Jesus.  She told me one time that she considered herself a perfect Christian woman, and I thought of all my Christian friends and their generosity, and compassion, and kindness, and the way they all strive to be better people every single day, and all I could do was bite my tongue.  Hard.  Really hard.  She tests me, I confess.

We'll have to pass up on our favorite holiday this year, Coelred has volunteered to stay home and give out candy to the trick-or-treaters we get this year (the fun's usually over by about 8 pm, then he can go to his party.  He's a good kid, you know?  We're very lucky parents!)  Hopefully we'll be home by then, too, so we can have Circle and tell Grandma how much we loved and admired her, and thank her for being in our lives; I plan on putting an extra thanks in there, just because I know it was her influence that made Lachlan the man he is today.  And then, in her memory, maybe we can go over the next day and play with Baby Isabella, the newest member of our household, daughter of Margaret and Konrad.....just because Grandma Mabel loved babies so much.  She thought of them as the future, you know.  Lachlan and I always agreed with her about that.

Goodbye, Mabel.  I love you...and I love your grandson, just as much as you did.

Lachlan's mom called last night - a rather rare occasion, so you know it can't be good, right?  And it's not.  It seems his precious little grandma, a woman I aspire to be when I hit my nineties, is finally tiring of the battle.  Her little body has fought the good fight for the last 10 years, battling Alzheimer's as only a tough little woman of true pioneer spirit can.  Sadly, there's only ever one winner of such a battle, and it's never the sufferer.

She welcomed me and my sons into her family with open arms 18 years ago; I fell in love with her then, and that love hasn't faded one whit.  And I have to say that watching her in this fight has been one of the most painful experiences of my life.  I wouldn't wish such a thing on my worst enemy.  Lachlan, as you might guess, is already halfway mourning her, even though he's known that this was inevitable for a very long time now.  She was a huge part of his childhood, his number one fan, and I believe, the one member of his family that never, ever gave up on him.  All these years later, she was right and the others were wrong.  I love her and honor her wisdom.

We're going to be sitting out Blood of Heroes this weekend, because we may have to set out south pretty quickly.  I hope our friends understand.
Give the Wonder Hubby a hug the next time you see him, okay?  You all have such a good friend because of her influence in his life.  And me? I will honor her every day that I live for teaching him love and strength, right and wrong, kindness and graciousness.

Go on, Mabel, your work here is done.  Garland's waiting for you....you're gonna just love the Summerlands!!

I can't sleep at all, so how about wasting some time?  Come along with me, then.....

There are 270 films on this list. Copy this list, go to your own facebook account, paste this as a note. Then, put x's next to the films you've seen, add them up, change the header adding your number, and click post at the bottom.

But you know me, I just have to comment, don't I?

Shall we begin?

(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show  Ah, Hell yeah!!  Gave up counting how many times long ago!
(x) Grease  I was dragged (literally!) by a friend.  We're not friends anymore.
() Grease 2   The Goddess was kind, and spared me this one!
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl  Sure, it was cute.  And Johnny Depp did a good job!
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest   Okay, maybe not as good.  Still had Johnny Depp.
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End   Anyone else sick of pirates.....AND Johnny Depp?
() Boondock Saints  Never had the pleasure.  I'd like to, though.
(x) Fight Club   I didn't see the ending coming.  Seriously.
() Starsky and Hutch   That's right, Stiller!!!  Destroy my pubescent crushes with your lame attempts at humor!  Bastard!
(x) Blazing Saddles   Ummm, hello!  Teen from the '70's.  N'est pas?

Total so far: 7

(x) The Neverending Story   Yeah, Oldest boy and I got sucked into this.
(x) The Neverending Story II   He was older by this one, but still intrigued....
(x) The Neverending Story III   ....and by this one, his brother was into Atreyu and company
(x) Airplane   I saw this with my Aunt.  I've never seen her laugh so hard, before or since.
(x) The Princess Bride   Well, I AM in the SCA, you know!
(x) Willow   I actually like this one--especially the French Brownies ("I stole zee babee!")
() Anchorman   I just don't like Will Ferrell's attempts at humor.  Unless he's playing W.
(x) Napoleon Dynamite   Like uh, yeah.  Totally!  AND I voted for Pedro!
(x) Labyrinth  Two words:  David Bowie!!!  Noms for Moms!

Total so far: 15

(x) Saw  Sure, I'll try anything once.
() Saw II   I said "once".
() Saw III   Can you read this?
() Saw IV   You do know what "once" means, right?
() Saw V   Oh come on!  Jigsaw's dead, already!
(x) White Noise   I couldn't sleep one night.  This did not help.
(x) White Oleander   I couldn't sleep one night.  This did help.  Dozed right off!
() Anger Management   We live in a strict "No Sandler Zone".  They have fines and everything.  Really.
() 50 First Dates   We still live in that Zone.  Really

Total so far: 18

(x) The Princess Diaries  I have this niece that I dearly love, you see.....
() The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement   But I don't love her that much (Kidding, 'dunkle, kidding!)
(x) Scream  Sure.  It was fun.
(x) Scream 2   Not as much fun as the first, but still fun.
(x) Scream 3   By this time, we were on a mission.......
(x) I Know What You Did Last Summer   Okay, I had teen boys and Lachlan, and this had Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasticles
(x) I Still Know What You Did Last Summer   Okay, I had teen boys and Lachlan, and Jennifer was still bouncing
(x) The Shining  I've seen two versions.  I like the tv one better.
(x) Candyman   Yeah, this one scared me.  That's why I hate mirrors.  Really.
(x) Stand By Me  I can't trash this movie.  It was just too damn good.

Total so far: 27

() Scary Movie   I just don't like stupid humor
() Scary Movie 2   And stupid humor that's exploitave is worse
() Scary Movie 3   .....I mean it, this kind of humor is cheap and often gross
() Scary Movie 4   ...oh, nevermind....
(x) Resident Evil 1   And yet, a zombie movie based on a video game gets me everytime.
(x) Resident Evil 2   See?  I wasn't lying!
(x) American Pie   Yeah, I saw it.  They almost lost me after the pie scene, though....
() American Pie 2   ...fortunately, a movie was out that I really did want to see....
() American Wedding   ...and this one conflicted with my dog-washing day....
() American Pie Band Camp   ...and this one conflicted with my "Out of Eye Bleach" day...

Total so far: 30

(x) Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone  What can I say?  I'm a sucker for movies with magic....
(x) Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets   ...especially ones where it's cool to be a witch....
(x) Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban   ...and this one had Gary Oldman in it...
(x) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire   ...and so did this one.....
(x) Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix   ...ah Hell, I admit it--I like this series!
() The Wedding Singer  Remember what I said about the "No Sandler Zone" we live in?
() Little Black Book   Why would I watch this movie?  The premise sucked!
(x) The Village   This one, although not one of Shamaylan's best, was still very compelling
(x) Lilo & Stitch   Okay, it was cute.  There.  I said it.
(x) Finding Nemo   Okay, it was cute.  There.  I said it again.

Total so far: 38  (You know, looking at this section you'd think it was all about magic, terror and Disney, wouldn't you?  Or maybe just Disney.  I'm just saying.....)

(x) Finding Neverland   So, I'm a sucker for the sentimental sometimes.
(x) Signs   And sometimes, I'm just a sucker for the scary
(x) The Grinch  And sometimes, I'm jonesing for eye bleach.
(x) Texas Chainsaw Massacre  Or nightlights.
(x) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning   Or maybe, I've got a secret crush on R. Lee Ermey.
() White Chicks   Please!  Whiteface?  I'll pass.
() Butterfly Effect  Please!  Ashton Kuchner?  I'll puke.
() 13 Going on 30   Actually, I think I have seen a couple of the variants of this one; proof that Hollywood is out of ideas!!!
(x) I, Robot   Could you hear Asimov spinning in his grave throughout this movie?  I could.
() Robots   I can honestly say that I don't know a thing about this one.

Total so far: 44

() Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story   Ferell.  'nuff said.
(x) Universal Soldier   Van Damme makes me happy that I'm taller than him.  Much, much taller.
() Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events   None of my crowd got into these books, so I was spared Jim Carrey this time.
() Along Came Polly   Again, I have no idea what this one was, I must have missed the advertisements.
(x) Deep Impact   That was the year of meteors, wasn't it?  "Armegeddon" came out that summer, too.  I like this one.
() King Pin   When the trailer is too stupid for words, there's no point in even seeing this, even on network tv, is there?
(x) Never Been Kissed   I like Drew Barrymore.
() Meet The Parents   I don't like Ben Stiller.
() Meet the Fockers   I still don't like Ben Stiller
() Eight Crazy Nights   I've never heard of this one.

Total so far: 47

() Joe Dirt   Seriously?  I have to explain why I haven't seen this?
(x) King Kong   All three.  The first is still my favorite.
() A Cinderella Story   I don't know this one, but I suspect I can guess the plot....
(x) The Terminal   Tom Hanks rules.  End of story.
() The Lizzie McGuire Movie   Isn't she in Playboy this month?
() Passport to Paris   Don't know this one either, sorry.
() Dumb & Dumber   Jim, Jim, Jim.  You're better than this, Dude.
() Dumber & Dumberer   Seriously?
(x) Halloween   both versions.  I prefer the original.  Scared the piss out of me when I was a teenager.
() Surviving Christmas   I don't know this one either, but the title doesn't bode well....it doesn't have Kirstie Alley, does it?

Total so far:  50

(x) Final Destination   Nice, original idea.  I liked it.
() Final Destination 2   Which, of course, the studio played to death.....
(x) Final Destination 3   ...and much like "Jaws", I saw the third one on a night when I couldn't sleep....Like now.
(x) The Ring   Scary shit.
(x) The Ring 2   Not as scary, but had Sissy Spacek in it, so I was good.
(x) Flubber   The original, not the remake.  I liked it when I was 4.
() Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle   Don't know why I haven't seen this one yet; oh yeah, stoners!
(x) Practical Magic   Witches.  I'm done.
(x) Chicago   I like this musical, have for a long time.
(x) Ghost Ship   Not a bad ghost movie, really.  Surprised me.

Total so far: 58

(x) From Hell   It was good, even if they did go with the least likely candidate for Jack the Ripper.
(x) Hellboy   Okay, I admit it; I have a major crush on Ron Perlman.  Have ever since "Beauty and the Beast".
() Secret Window   Never heard of this one, either.
(x) I Am Sam   I may not care for Sean Penn as a person, but he did one helluva job in this.
(x) The Whole Nine Yards   This was hilarious.
() The Whole Ten Yards   I'm told this one is not hilarious.
(x) The Day After Tomorrow   Who can resist another "End of the World" scenario?
(x) Child's Play   Can I blame this one on my kids?
() Seed of Chucky   Do I even want to know what this one entails? *shudder*
(x) Bride of Chucky   This one I am blaming on my kids!

Total so far:  65

(x) Ten Things I Hate About You  I thought Heath Ledger was a fantastic actor, so I think I've seen all his work.
() Just Married   This isn't some Jennifer Aniston movie, is it?  'Cause I'm strictly "Team Angelina".
(x) Gothika   Yeah, I saw this.  Horror fail.
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street   Saw this wwaayyyy back in the day.  Horror win.
() Remember the Titans   I'm guessing a sports movie of some kind?
() Coach Carter   I've never heard of this:  another sports movie?
(x) The Grudge   Yep, scared me silly.  (Epic plus:  our daughter-in-law can do a killer imitation of the female ghost.)
(x) The Grudge 2   Yep, confused me silly.
(x) The Mask   Jim Carrey was absolutely amazing in this movie.
() Son Of The Mask  Since I've never heard of it, I'm guessing Jim wasn't in this one, was he?

Total so far: 71

() Bad Boys   Wasn't this a Will Smith movie?  I've already filled my required quota on his work.
() Bad Boys 2   Is he in this one too?
(x) Joy Ride   This scared me.
() Lucky Number Slevin   ?  Tell me that's a misspelling.
(x) Ocean's Eleven   Don't get excited--I've only seen the original.
() Ocean's Twelve   Boy, Clooney knows how to party, doesn't he?
() Ocean's Thirteen   Apparently, he doesn't know how to end one, though.....
() Bourne Identity   I don't like Ludlum novels.  And frankly, I can't buy Matt Damon as an amnesiac, super-assassin.....
() Bourne Supremecy   .....and I don't care how many times you cast him as such, Hollywood.....
() Bourne Ultimatum   .....to me, he still looks too young to shave!

Total so far: 73

(x) Sixteen Candles   Didn't everyone see this?
(x) Pretty in Pink   And this?
( ) Lone Star   I'm guessing they don't mean the Randolph Scott picture of the same name, do they?
() Bedazzled   I'm still trying to get over my mother's "Bedazzler" stage....but the doctor says I'm making progress!  Some day, I hope to go to Vegas someday, without twitching.
(x) Predator I   Comic book monster beats the shit out of Ah-nold.  What's not to like?
(x) Predator II   Comic book monster beats shit out of Gary Busey.  What's not to like?
(x) The Fog   Both versions.  I like the original better.
(x) Ice Age   I'm a sucker for the saber-toothed squirrel.
(x) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown   And the sloth and the saber-toothed tiger, too!
() Curious George   They made a movie?  When?

Total so far: 80

(x) Independence Day  I can't resist this cheesegasmic thing!
(x) Cujo   You will notice that I do not own a Saint Bernard.  Or a pinto.
() A Bronx Tale   I'm not a big fan of gangster movies.
(x) Darkness Falls   A nice idea, not all that scary, though
(x) Christine   Talk about cheesegasmic....
(x) ET   Okay, who doesn't love the little bug-eyed alien?
(x) Children of the Corn   Corn and cheese!  Yeah!
() My Boss's Daughter   Is this porn?
() Maid in Manhattan   No J-Lo!  No!  No, I say!
(x) War of the Worlds   Both versions.  I like the first one better, but I have to add that Tom Cruise did look more at home in the alien space craft

Total so far: 87

(x) Rush Hour  Back to that "Try anything once comment".....
() Rush Hour 2   ...but Chris Tucker can get annoying.....
() Rush Hour 3   ...really annoying, really fast.
() Best Bet   You know, I'm beginning to believe that I've slept through all the movies of the new millenium!
() How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days   ....especially if Matthew McConaughnahey is in them....
() She's All That   ...or some actress I've never heard of....
(x) Calendar Girls   ...but Helen Mirren will always capture my attention.
() Sideways   ?  That's it?  That's all the description?  Is that a new position....and I hope not!
(x) Mars Attacks   ...well, sometimes it is all about the cheese.
(x) Event Horizon   ...and sometimes you leave the theater wondering just what was in the diet pepsi....

Total so far: 91

(x) Ever After   I like Drew, remember?  And this was very sweet AND had Anjelica Huston.  I love it.
(x) Wizard of Oz   I used to watch this every year with my cousins, Tom and Ken.  Now, no one watches it but me.  I miss the old days.
(x) Forrest Gump   Tom Hanks rocks.
(x) Big Trouble in Little China   Any actor that will make fun of his most iconic character is sexy, er..excellent in my book.  Yeah.  Excellent.
(x) The Terminator   Was a scary little movie back then and still is.
(x) The Terminator 2   This one was good, but it was more on the "Big Explosions and Violence Trip" than terror.
(x) The Terminator 3   And I guess this one was more on the "I'm James Cameron and I Need Money Trip" than plot.  And that actor they got to play a young John Connor?  Casting fail.
(x) X-Men   Comic book heroes!  Bring on the Raisinets!  (What?  I like Raisinets!)
(x) X-2     Story's a little weak, but hey, Hugh Jackman!  Yeah? Yeah?  Am I right?
(x) X-3: The Last   I really like the whole "Mutants as Outcasts" scenario they ran through the Marvel comics.  I could really relate to that, and I suspect that everyone who read comic books back then could as well.  Didn't translate to screen as well as I'd hoped.

Total so far: 101

(x) Spider-Man  This one translated a little too well to the screen if you ask me.  Peter Parker is a bigger whiny bitch than Cyclops.
(x) Spider-Man 2   By the end of this one, all the whining left us wanting to go down to the local dart bar and suicide symposium for a little morphine.
() Spider-Man 3   Needless to say, the weekend this one came out, we went to an SCA event instead.  Less whining, no morphine.
() Sky High   What is this?  A Disney travelogue that I somehow missed?
(x) Jeepers Creepers   Geniunely scary movie with a brand new monster!  Awesome!
(x) Jeepers Creepers 2   This one is actually an excellent sequel.  How often do you see that?
(x) Catch Me If You Can   I like this movie and I actually have a four degree of separation situation with the real person the movie's based on, Frank Abagnale Jr, an amazing con man who'd conned millions of dollars out of companies by the time he was 19.  Get me tipsy sometime, and I'll explain it.
(x) The Little Mermaid   With this movie, I know two Princess Ariels!  How is that ever a bad thing?
(x) Freaky Friday     Isn't this the one where the girl and her mom switch bodies and have to deal with each other's lives?  I saw the earliest  Disneyfied version.  You have no idea how much I wanted that to come true!
(x) Reign of Fire   Hey, what more could a movie need?  An Apocalypse brought on by dragons.  American dragon hunters led by a ripped Matthew McConaughey.  and an equally ripped Christian Bale.  AND a script that sorta made sense?  I had a cheesy good time, my friends, let me tell you!

Total so far: 109

()The Skulls   ? What's the name of the sequel?  The Spinal Discs?
(x) Cruel Intentions   This was an okay updating of a Shakespearean play.  I liked the acting --very snarky!
() Cruel Intentions 2   Don't know why I've never checked this one out 
() The Hot Chick   Seriously?  The little dumb guy as a girl?   Yeah.  No thank you!
(x) Shrek   Well, I was more impressed with Donkey than the Ogre, and I couldn've lived without the fart humor, but I've seen worse!
(x) Shrek 2   This one brought in my very favorite:  El Gato con Botas:  Puss In Boots.   Antonio Banderas.  My work here is done!
(x) Shrek the Third   Not nearly as much fun, just too much going on, I think.  And Justin Timberlake as Arthur?  Really?
() Swimfan  Haven't seen it, but I'm guessing that stalking and other law-breaking is involved.
(x) Miracle on 34th street  I only like the first version.  Never have cared for the tv versions.
() Old School  Don't know what school this is talking about, but I'm betting an '80's musical montage is involved.

Total so far: 114

() The Notebook   I'm told I should see this, and I trust the source of this advice, so may add an x on this list someday
(x) K-Pax   Kevin Spacey rules.  Period.
(x) Krippendorf's Tribe   Saw this as a fluke, and really ended up liking it.  Dreyfus and Dharma made a good comedy team.
() A Walk to Remember   I don't remember this, is that ironic?
(x) Ice Castles   The '80's movie about the skate dancer and hockey player?  It's a wonder they could skate through the schmaltz
() Boogeyman  This one is not ringing any bells with me.
() The 40-year-old Virgin   Nope, I skipped it after seeing the trailer.  Looked too dumb.
(x) The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring   Viggo and Tolkein.  Bliss!
(x) The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers   Viggo and Tolkien and the Riders of Rohan!  More Bliss!
(x) The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King  Viggo and Liv, hobbits, elves, dwarves, humans, the King!  Complete bliss!

Total so far: 120

(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark  Yeah!
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom   Yulcch!
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade   Yay!!!
(x) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull   Yeesh, such mugging!  Just phone it in next time, okay, Harrison?
() BASEketball   Please tell me this is a misspell.
() Hostel   Now we're killing backpacking kids in Europe?  I'll pass
() Waiting for Guffman   I've heard of it....and that's all.  I can't find anything else in my brain about it.
(x) House of 1000 Corpses   Rob Zombie really goes for the overkill.
(x) Devils Rejects    ....and then he did it again!
() Elf  We're back to Ferrell, aren't we?

Total so far: 126

(x) Highlander   I love this thing, I don't know why!
(x) Mothman Prophecies   I grew up about 60 miles from where this all happened.  Every kid in Ohio knew about the Mothman.
(x) American History X   Most fucking intense movie I've ever seen.
() Three   what?  Sandwiches?  Wombats? Carpets?  Shoes?
() The Jacket  What jacket?  Does it go with the three whatevers from the previous movie?
() Kung Fu Hustle  That's got to be one very unusual dance to view.
(x) Shaolin Soccer   Such a sweet movie; I loved it!
() Night Watch   Of........?  Yeah, I don't know this one either.
(x) Monsters Inc.   Such a cute movie.
(x) Titanic   I've always been fascinated with the story of the Titanic, but even I wanted my shirt to read: "The Boat Sank; Get Over It" by end of this movie. 


Total so far: 132

(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail  Hello?  Duchess in the SCA?  I can quote this puppy!
(x) Shaun Of the Dead   Funniest zombie movie ever!
(x) Willard   Weird little dude with his friends, the rats.  Oh yeah, a real heartwarming story!
() High Tension   Must be about telephone wires....
() Club Dread   Is there a girl named Sookie in this?
(x) Hulk   Which version?  They both stunk.
(x) Dawn Of the Dead    The take on commercialism was interesting; but in the end, it's all about shooting zombies in the head.  Of course!
(x) Hook   Disappointed as I was by this, it's still pretty watchable.  Just don't try to sync it up to any Pink Floyd albums.
(x) Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe   The books were always too tame for me, the movies were the same.
(x) Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian   At least this one had a pretty, pretty prince to look at.

Total so far: 140

(x) 28 days later   Gross and scary!  More zombies, but faster!
(x) Orgazmo   The funniest damn movie I've ever seen about a Mormon missionary.  Seriously.
(x) Phantasm   One of those movies that leaves you scratching your head.....while checking it for giant chrome ball bearings with saw blades
(x) Waterworld   So, who wasn't surprised to discover that Kevin Costner drinks his own pee?
(x) Kill Bill vol 1   Weird, uber violent, oddly funny and hard to look away from.
(x) Kill Bill vol 2   Same as above.  Didn't get either one of them, but I think I actually, kinda liked them.
() Mortal Kombat   Oh Gods, No!!!  I get exhausted by the theme song!
() Wolf Creek   It's not about the power plant, is it?
(x) Kingdom of Heaven   It could have been ever so much better, but it was still compelling in its way....
(x) The Hills Have Eyes   The original.  Can't do the remake.

Total so far: 148

() I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman  ...and I Spit in Your Drink, so there!
(x) The Last House on the Left   again, only the original.
(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace  God help me, yes, I saw this!  Used the last of the eye bleach to get rid of the image of Jar-Jar
(x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones   See, I thought they'd get better
(x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith    I forgot that Lucas was directing all three this go-round.....
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope    And I knew the one after this was going to be better....
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back   ....plus, Harrison was reallyreally hot....
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi   ....but then, Lucas turned it into the Teddy Bear Picnic....
() Ewoks Caravan Of Courage    ....so why mess with this?
() Ewoks The Battle For Endor    .....or this?

Total so far: 155

() Re-Animator   ....because once wasn't enough?  I don't know about this one.
(x) Army of Darkness   Yes.  I've seen it.  I blame my kids.
(x) The Matrix   Absolutely the most violent movie I have ever seen.  But the special effects were amazing!
() The Matrix Reloaded   actually, we tried to watch this, but we just couldn't do it. 
() The Matrix Revolutions   Okay, so if we didn't see the second one, why bother with the third, right? 
() Animatrix   ?  Does this have the Warner Brothers and Sister in it?  If so, how did I miss it?
(x) Evil Dead   Again, blaming the kids.  Yeah, the kids.  Totally their fault.  Right.
(x) Evil Dead 2   See above.  Yeah, it was the kids' fault.
() Team America: World Police   I just didn't want to see puppets having sex......
(x) Ghosttown   Okay, not so funny, but Ricky Gervais is hilarious.

Total so far: 160

(x) Red Dragon   Both versions, but I like the original tv version best.
(x) Silence of the Lambs   Okay, I admit it; I was terrified throughout most of this movie.
(x) Hannibal   Actually, we saw this hoping that it would be better than the book.  It wasn't.
() Wall-E   Haven't seen this, but I'd like to sometime
(x) Batman Begins   So, I'm a sucker for a guy with issues.  Sue me.
(x) The Dark Knight   Losing Heath Ledger is a real tragedy, folks.  I mean that.  The kid was good.
(x) The Prestige   What's not to love about a movie that has David Bowie playing Nikolai Tesla?
(x) Cars   The only reason I watched this movie was because Paul Newman was voicing one of the characters, and my reasoning was, if I couldn't lose myself in those blue eyes, I could at least listen to that wonderful, warm and crumbly voice.  No regrets.
(x) Gone With The Wind   Rhett!  Rhett!  What an epic........fail!  But the costuming was amazing!
(x) Top Gun   Yes, I saw it....and was apparently the only one at the time that thought Tom Cruise was an awful actor.  At the time.....


Total seen: 169


Now, one is supposed to put "I've seen 169 out of 270 movies" in the subject line (filling in your total in the blank), repost it, and tag some of your friends (including the person who tagged you).  But that seems like cruel and unusual punishment to me.  My conclusion:  I need to get out more.....and NOT at a movie theater!!

Early this morning, I had a dream where Lachlan crawled back into bed and said he was cold, so I threw the blankets over him and cuddled back up to him.  It was so realistic that when I woke up later that morning, I really thought that he was there, and I flung myself over to his side of the bed to hug him, but no, it wasn't him, it was both dogs and a cat that was generating all that heat from that side of the bed.  I realized that it was a dream and here's the stupid part:  I burst out crying.  How fucked up is that?

So stupid.....

I just read that Harrison Ford and Emma Thompson have also signed the petition demanding the immediate release of Roman Polanski, who was arrested in Switzerland on a 30-year old warrant issued for his arrest after he fled this country.  He fled after pleading "guilty" to the charge of raping and sodomizing a 13-year old girl; he administered Qualudes (sp?) to said 13-year old first.

Harrison Ford.

Emma Thompson.

WTF?

Okay, I know that one middle-aged woman from Kansas boycotting a list of celebrities and any future work that they do will make absolutely no dent in their pocketbooks; but, I cannot support their position.  Therefore, I cannot support them.  It's the teensiest of stands, I know, but it's all I got.

Harrison.  Seriously, Dude.  Did you spend too much time in that rainforest you adopted?  What would the Dalai Lama say?

I'm really not the type of person to take my social cues from celebrities.  There are a goodly number of them that I like quite a lot, but that doesn't mean I'm going to blindly follow them all the way over the cliff even if I have actually liked a number of statements they've made over the years. 
However, when it comes to a few subjects that I've already made up my mind about, even feel really damn good about my ultimate decision; then forget it, the Wonder Hubby couldn't talk me out how I feel.  Not even during orgasm.

The following list (which I nicked from silk_noir ) is of celebrities/entertainers who have come out in defense of Roman Polanski's rape of an underage girl some 32 years ago or thereabouts.  They think it's okay because he is directorial genius (to which I simply have to add "Did any on you see The Fearless Vampire Killers ?" Really?  Were you stoned?)  But, the point is, since he's a genius, he should be in the clear. 

Here's the list and my first impressions:

Woody Allen says that rape is acceptable. (OH, now there's a poster boy for sexual responsibility!  Didn't he take up with his teenage step-daughter?)

Pedro Almodovar says that rape is acceptable. (I have no idea who this guy is, but reading the descriptions of the movies he's directed tells me that dude really likes girl-on-gril action.  See Wikipedia for details.)

Jean-Jacques Annaud says that rape is acceptable. (Again, I had no idea who this guy was until I saw the list of movies he directed. They're The Name of the Rose, Seven Years in Tibet, Quest for Fire, The Bear, Enemy at the 
Gates, Two Brothers.  Good movies - but, there's barely any female roles in any of them, and what few female characters there are, most of them get raped.  Huh.)

Asia Argento says that rape is acceptable.  (Frankly, I don't know her.  She's an Italian actress and director, who's main claim to fame appears  to be that she's a polyglot.  Useful skill, but so what?  And if she's come out in support of Polanski, can't say that her ability to speak many languages is going to entice me to see any of her films.  I wonder how many languages she's had to say "no" in?)

Darren Aronofsky says that rape is acceptable.  (An American screewriter and producer.  He wrote Pi, which was about math genius, Maximillian Cohen, a somewhat OCD type who is convinced that numbers can be placed in patterns that explain the World.  Not quite Chaos Theory, but fascinating.  He also wrote Requiem for a Dream and The Fountain, which were visually stunning but a little murky plot-wise.  Oh, and The Wrestler, which was well put-together, but depressing!  Man!)

Monica Bellucci says that rape is acceptable. (Another Italian, she started out as a model, then got into acting.  She played Persephone in The Matrix movies, which I've seen, but can't remember her; and Mary Magadalene in The Passion of the Christ, which - surprise! - I haven't seen.  She's another one I'm not going to go out of my way to catch her work.)

Gael Garcia Bernal says that rape is acceptable.  (A Spanish actor.  Very pretty.  Haven't seen any of his stuff.  Probably won't now.)

Bernardo Bertolucci says that rape is acceptable.  (Famous Italian Director.  Directed Last Tango in Paris. "nuff said.)

Ethan Coen says that rape is acceptable.  (One half of the Coen Brothers Director?Writing team.  They've had a couple of movies that I've quite liked, really; The Big Lebowski and O Brother Where Art Thou.  I should, in all fairness point out, those two movies are the least violent in their repetoire.  They also made Fargo, a movie of such gratuitous violence that I thought someone had resurrected Sam Peckinpah. It's about a man who fakes a kidnapping of his wife, ending up shredding her body in a wood chipper.  Yeah.  I want a guy who could write a story like that on my side.  Oh yeah.)

Robert Cohen says that rape is acceptable.  (I don't know if this is the Robert Cohen who writes for the Simpsons, or the Robert Cohen who is an American university professor and film critic.  I suspect the latter, in which case I have to say, Bob, you are WWWAAAYYYYYY too hung up on Machiavelli.)

Penelope Cruz says that rape is acceptable. (Oh, for the love of the Gods, isn't her 15 minutes up yet?)

Alfonso Cuaron says that rape is acceptable.  (Mexican screenwriter/director.  Responsible for y tu mama tambien, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, and Children of Men:  All of which are really good movies.  Boycotting
his work is going to be a real trial.  Ah well, "needs must".)

Guillermo del Toro says that rape is acceptable.  (Another Mexican screenwriter/director/producer/designer.  His movies, like Hellboy and Pan's Labyrnth are known for their bizarre characters and surreal settings.  He will reportedly
 direct the upcoming film version of The Hobbit, produced by Peter Jackson.  That's going to be a hard one to boycott, folks, I'm telling you.)

Stephen Frears says that rape is acceptable.  (English Director.  Noted for Dangerous Liaisons, which I love, and Hero and Mary Reilly, which I loathe.  Not going to be too much of a challenge boycotting his stuff......)

Terry Gilliam says that rape is acceptable.  (American-born British filmaker/director/writer.  Part of Monty Python comedy team.  He's known for some funny, quirky movies, like Time Bandits, The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, Life of Brian, and the Fisher King - all of which I like.  Lately, though, he's mostly known for his inability  to get films completed.  He even made a documentary about one such failure, Lost in La Mancha. Rather strange thing to do, if you ask me; but then, I've never been known to take lemons and make lemonades:  I bitch because it ain't BEER!  I'm going to miss his movies, though.....)

Buck Henry says that rape is acceptable.  (American Screenwriter/director/actor.  Co-creator of Get Smart.  Spent a lot of years on Saturday  Night Live.  One of his recurring characters was Uncle Roy, a single pedophilic babysitter.  He also co-wrote the movie The Graduate.  I'm no shrink, but I think the boy's got issues.....)

Brett Ratner says that rape is acceptable.  (Aren't you the guy that produces that TV show Prison Break?  Need I say more?)

Martin Scorsese says that rape is acceptable.  (Marty, I hated Goodfellas.  And Mean Streets.  And given that you directed Taxi Driver, I'm not horrendously surprised by your name being on this list.  I am, however, disappointed.)

Tilda Swinton says that rape is acceptable.  (English actress. Pretty damn good actress at that.  But, am I the only one who finds her a little...odd?)

Whoopi Goldberg says that rape is acceptable. (*face-desk*  Girl!!!  You can't take "feminist" off like a t-shirt when it suits you!! WAY  DISAPPOINTED!!!!!)

Jonathan Demme says that rape is acceptable. (American Writer/director.  Dude, you directed Silence of the Lambs, and you think rape is acceptable?  *shakes head*)

Michael Mann says that rape is acceptable.  (American Director.  Makes visually stunning movies, including one of my all-time favorites:  Last of the Mohicans.  Yup, no doubt about it, this boycott is going to be painful.)

Debora Winger says that rape is acceptable.  (Now, goddammit!  I know her 15 minutes are up!)

The girl in the Polanski case was 13 at the time of the crime. She claimed he drugged her; he admitted he did. Plus he got her in a hot tub, something that is known to exacerbate the effects of relaxants. He's guilty of rape.

I don't care if Roman Polanski comes up with the cure for aids and cancer, he entered into an prosecutorial agreement with the State wherein he served some time and was mentally evaluated before he was actually sentenced by a judge. He was told that the judge would probably give him a "sentenced served" pronouncement. He was also warned that the judge had the power to lay aside any agreements Polanski had made with the state, and impose his own sentence. At the first hearing, Polanski heard the judge set aside the agreement. He heard the judge schedule a second hearing, at which time the judge would deliver his sentence. The oh-so wonderful, genius Roman Polanski then manfully fled the country.

And it wouldn't matter if she had been stone cold sober, living on her own since age 8, naked as a jaybird with a selection of massage oils by the bedside after having put her favorite "Marvin Gaye" or "Barry White" album on the player; all while spraying herself with whipped cream and screaming, "Take me now, Hot Daddy!!" The girl was 13. An adult engaging in sex with an underage child is raping that child whether she is screaming "Get away from me!" OR "Baby's Got Herself a Sugar Daddy!" It's rape.

Whether it's committed by a genius or a moron, it's still rape.

My size 16 jeans are getting rather loose.

Huh.

Who'da thunk that a new fibro medication could help you lose weight?

....and those two words are understanding and forgiving.  Come play with us down here sometime and you'll see for yourself!

This is one of those days where I have a serious case of who cares? , you know? I've got so much to do - tomato sauce to can, laundry to do, vegetables to pick from the garden.  Plus it's the autumnal equinox, Mabon, and I really should prepare a special dinner of thanksgiving for all the Goddess has given us.  And of course, all I want to do is go back to sleep.  There are times when I kinda wish that I would take a happy pill from the doctor, just prozac my way through Life, but I already take so many pills that I actually make a chink!chink! sound when I walk.  One more pill might just break this camel's back, you know?  Not worth taking the chance.

Thanks to everyone who has sent me good advice these past few days.  Please know that I have read them all very carefully, and I think I've come to a solution that will suit everyone best.  Step One was talking to Her Frecklellency; Step Two will be apologizing to His Excellency at Wednesday's A & S activity.  Step Three will be implementing a new code of conduct for the old Bird here.  I appreciate all you taking the time to write.

Well, this isn't getting anything done, is it?  Probably won't be on for a few days, lots to do and all that.  I'll be back next week, no doubt, with pictures of latest projects and pithy comments for free!

See you then!

So I've talked to one half of Their Most Excellent Types ( namely Her Excellency, )

...quick biographical sketches of my two personal favoite pirates (courtesy of Wikipedia):

Anne Bonny (March 8, 1700- possibly April 25, 1782) was an Irish American piratewho plied her trade in the Carribean.

 

Early life

Much of what is known about Anne Bonny is based on Captain Charles Johnson's "A General History of Pyrates" . Official records and contemporary letters dealing with her life are scarce. Most details about her life prior to her arrival in the Bahamas do not appear to be based on any primary source evidence, including the claims that she was born in 1702 in County Cork, Ireland; that she was a daughter of attorney William Cormac and his maidservant; that her mother was named Mary Brennan and her grandmother was named Peg; and that, when the affair became public, Cormac moved to Charleston, SC, where he made a fortune and bought a large plantationDiligent efforts to source all of these claims continue in earnest by pirate historians.

Marriage and affair with a pirate

When Bonny was 13, she supposedly stabbed a servant girl in the stomach with a table knife. She married a sailor and small-time pirate named James Bonny. According to legend, James Bonny hoped to win possession of his wife's family estate, but she was disowned by her father.

There is no evidence supporting the story that Anne Bonny started a fire on the plantation in retaliation, but it is known that sometime between 1714 and 1718 she and James Bonny moved to Nassau in the Bahamas which was then a pirate hub and base for many pirate operations. It is also true that after the arrival of Governor Woodes Rogers in the summer of 1718, James Bonny became an informant for the governor

While in the Bahamas, Anne Bonny began mingling with pirates at the local drinking establishments, and met the pirate Calico Jack Rackham, with whom she had an affair. While Rackham and many other pirates were enjoying the King's pardon in the New Providence, James dragged Anne before the governor to demand she be floggedfor adultery and returned to him. There was even an offer for Rackham to buy her in a divorce-by-purchase, but Anne refused to be "bought and sold like cattle." She was sentenced to the flogging, but later Anne and Rackham escaped to live together as pirates.

Life as a pirate

Bonny did not disguise herself as a man in order to join Rackham's crew aboard the Revenge as is often claimed. In fact, she and the other favorite of mine, Mary Reed, or Read, helped Rackham steal the boat at anchor in Nassau harbour and set off to sea, putting together a crew and taking several prizes. She took part in combat alongside the men, and the accounts describing her exploits present her as competent, effective in combat, and someone who gained the respect of her fellow pirates. She and Mary Read's name and gender were, however, known to all from the start, including Gov. Rogers, who named them in a "pirates wanted" circular published in the continent's only newspaper, the Boston News-Letter^.

Over the next several months, she and Rackham saw several successes as pirates, capturing many ships and bringing in an abundance of treasure.

Although Bonny is one of the best-known pirates in history, she never commanded a ship of her own. Her renown derives from the fact that she was a rarity: a female pirate.

Capture and imprisonment

In October 1720, Rackham and his crew were attacked by a sloop captained by Jonathan Barnet, who was working for the governor of Jamaica. Most of Rackham's pirates did not put up much resistance as many of them were too drunk to fight, other sources indicate it was at night and most of them were asleep. However, Read, Bonny, and an unknown man (possibly Calico Jack), fought fiercely and managed to hold off Barnet's troops for a short time. After their capture, Rackham and his crew were sentenced by the Governor of Jamaica to be hanged. According to Johnson, Bonny's last words to the imprisoned Rackham were that "she was sorry to see him there, but if he had fought like a Man, he need not have been hang'd like a Dog."

After their arrest and trial, Read and Bonny both pleaded their bellies, announcing during the sentencing phase that they were both pregnant. In accordance with the common law at the time, both women received a temporary stay of execution until they gave birth. Read died in prison, most likely from a fever, though it has been alleged that she died during childbirth.

Disappearance from the record

There is no historical record of Bonny's release or of her execution. This has fed speculation that her father ransomed her; that she might have returned to her husband, or even that she resumed a life of piracy under a new identity. However, the Oxford Dictionary of National Biography states that "Evidence provided by the descendants of Anne Bonny suggests that her father managed to secure her release from jail and bring her back to Charles Town, South Carolina, where she gave birth to Rackham's second child. On December 21, 1721 she married a local man, Joseph Burleigh, and they had eight children. She died in South Carolina, a respectable woman, at the age of eighty-two and was buried on April 25, 1782."

And the other half of the greatest female pirate duo:

Mary Read (unknown – 1721) was an English pirate She is chiefly remembered as one of only two women (her comrade, Anne Bonney, was the other) known to have been convicted of piracy during the early 18th century, at the height of the Golden Age of Piracy.

 

Early life

Mary Read was illegitimately born in England, in the late 17th century, to the widow of a sea captain.

Her date of birth is in dispute among historians because of a reference to the Peace of Ryswick by her contemporary biographer, Captain Charles Johnson in his "A General History of Pyrates.  He very well may have made an error, intending to refer to the Treaty of Utrecht. The discrepancy would place her birth either c.1680 or c.1690. If she was born the latter, she was the very typical age of 28 at the time of her piracy. (If Read was born earlier, there is no record by Johnson nor any other contemporary author to explain what happened in the 15 year gap from the war to her piracy.)

Read's mother began to disguise illegitimately-born Mary as a boy after the death of Mary's older, legitimate brother (name unknown). This was done in order to continue to receive financial support from his paternal grandmother. The grandmother was apparently fooled, and Read and her mother lived on the inheritance into her teenage years. Still dressed as a boy, Read then found work as a footboy, and later found employment on a ship.

After learning the harsh realities of the sea life, she jumped ship and joined the British military allied with Dutch and Austrian forces (this could have been during the Nine Years War or during the War of Spanish Succession). Read, in male disguise, proved herself through battle, but she fell in love with a Flemish soldier. When they married, she dressed as a woman for the first time in her life. They used their military commission and gifts from intrigued brethren in arms as a funding source to acquire an inn named "The Three Horseshoes" near Breda Castle in The Netherlands.

Upon her husband's early death, Read resumed male dress and military service in Holland. With peace, there was no room for advancement, so she quit and boarded a ship bound for the West Indies.

 

Becoming a pirate

Read's ship was taken by pirates, who forced her to join them. She took the King's pardon c.1718-1719, and took a commission to privateer, until that ended with her joining the crew in mutiny. In 1720 she joined pirate John "Calico Jack" Rackham and his companion, the female pirate Anne Bonney.

Read remained dressed as a man at first. Nobody knew that Read was female until Bonny began to take a liking to Read thinking she was a handsome young fellow. That forced Read to reveal to Bonny that she was a woman. Rackham, who was Bonny's lover, became jealous of the intimacy between them and threatened to cut the throat of Bonny's new paramour. To prevent Read's death, Rackham was also let in on the secret; following, Rackham decided to break male seafaring tradition by allowing both women to remain on the crew.

Eventually, Read and Bonny would wear men's clothes while attacking merchants in Jamaica, and women's clothes at other times.

Battles

Read fell in love with one of the sea artists (carpenter or navigator) who had been forced by Rackham's crew. The sea artist was due to fight a duel with an experienced pirate he had rubbed the wrong way. Read, knowing that her beloved stood no chance against him, started a quarrel with the pirate and challenged him to a duel that would take place before the pending duel with the forced man.

Read prevailed in the death match, and her lover showed up on time for his duel.

 

Capture and imprisonment

In October 1720, pirate hunter Captain Johnathan Barnet took Rackham's crew by surprise while they were hosting a rum party with another crew of Englishmen off the west coast of Jamaica. After a volley of fire left the pirate vessel disabled, Rackham's crew and their "guests" fled to the hold, leaving only the women and one other to fight Barnet's boarding party. Allegedly, Read angrily shot into the hold, killing one, wounding others when the men would not come up and fight with them. Barnet's crew eventually overcame the women. Rackham surrendered, requesting "quarter."

Rackham and his crew were arrested and brought to trial in what is now known as\ Spanish Town, Jamaica, where they were sentenced to hang for acts of piracy, as were Read and Bonny. However, the women escaped the noose when they revealed they were both "quick with child" (known as 'pleading the belly"), so they received a temporary stay of execution. Read was believed to have been pregnant by the artist, whom she considered her legal husband before God. Bonny was believed to have been pregnant by Rackham (who was not her legal husband).

Read died in prison in April 1721, but there is no record of burial of her baby. Official documents state that Read died of fever associated with childbirth.

Bonny disappeared from the historical record, presumed to have lived a long life in Colonial America.

I rather suspect that there were many more female pirates than these two (look up Grace O'Malley sometime), but these are the most famous, and since my great-grandmother Mary Catherine was a Reed before marrying Grandpa Hughes, I've always been very partial to them.

So, why not enjoy "Talk Like a Pirate" Day by learning a little more about them?

Argh!!

Well, kiddos, I think I screwed up royally last night.

I went to Populace meeting last night which I probably had absolutely no business doing (yesterday was a major pain day!)  I was accompanied by the Wonder Hubby and the Wonder Son, Coelred!, so all was well.  Or so I thought. I made it through the Business Meeting portion of the evening just fine.  ( Read more... )

But I feel badly about the circumstances, all the same.  And I will talk to TE's soonest.  It would never do for any misunderstandings or hurt feelings coming between us.  I am, after all, their head cheerleader--and it's a job I am really enjoying!  I intend to get my pom-poms back out and get back on the job as soon as possible.

I just need to dislodge both feet from my mouth first.</div>